White Noise

Scribe's not-so-impressed Review:

Finally, somebody made a movie about Electronic Voice Phenomenon and it's really...not very interesting. In fact, if you remove Michael Keaton's intense performance, it's not really a movie, just a bunch of stuff that happens and a staticky TV set.

Proving that fringe would-be science movements make for boring film concepts, White Noise follows the tragic exploits of architect Johnathan Rivers as he mourns the death of his wife and slowly descends into an obssession with communicating with her beyond the grave. When tubby EVP expert Raymond Price arrives to reveal to Rivers that he is, like, totally the only guy in the whole world who knows how to capture the voices of dead people on tape from his TV set using only the latest software that a man with his obvious financial issues could never possibly afford, Mr. Rational Architect is all like, "Sounds good to me!" because, damn it, this is a low budget horror movie! What did you expect, a third act?

No way in hell! Or is it Purgatory. Yikes, Purgatory as a TV set stuck on a really boring channel. Nothing scarier than that. Sadly, that's true, as there is absolutely nothing scary in this sprawling mess of a slightly good idea gone horribly wrong. The pace is agonizing, the characters are inconsequential, the plot doesn't so much progress as simply jump from point to point whenever it's convenient and frankly the concept wears out its welcome in the first 30 minutes.

That leaves Michael Keaton to grimace at the camera a lot and try to figure out what the hell is happening to all the dying characters as well as the dead ones as he stupidly misinterprets his wife's warnings over and over.

Did I mention there was no third act? Well, there is an attempt at one. It occurs in the final moments of the film when a character we've never seen before whose motivations are never made clear let alone explained shows up and does crazy crap for the sake of a "thrilling" climax. The only good thing about it is that the very end of the film does not shy away from what needs to occur.

** out of ***** only because the DVD exrtras about the kooks that actually try to make sense of white noise are so much more fascinating than the film.

Green's Equally Unimpressed Review:

Architect Jonathan Rivers (Keaton) is understandably upset about the dissappearance/death of Anna (Chandra West), his incredibly sexy, world famous author/wife. About six months later, a total stranger, Raymond Price (Ian McNeice) comes out of nowhere to inform Rivers that he's received messages from Anna, who is trying to communicate with him from the "other side".

Thus, Rivers is introduced to the world of EVP, aka Electronic Voice Phenomenon - and becomes predictably addicted to it, listening for and recording messages he's received from his wife and other dead people, while watching tv monitors filled with fuzzy snow. Problem is there are some not so nice dead folks trying to communicate with the living from the other side, too. These not so nice spirits murder McNeice, cause Sarah (Deborah Kara Unger), a woman Rivers meets at McNeice's house to jump off of a balcony in a drug induced sleeping trance state and become horribly injured. Topping it all off is that Anna's messages rom the grave give warnings to her husband of bad things that are going to happen to people still living so he can try and prevent these bad things from happening.

In the end the bad spirits get to Rivers too. The last image we see is both Anna and Jonathan Rivers on the "other side" through a fuzzy, snowy television monitor.

Michael Keaton gives his usual intense performance and keeps this movie semi-credible on his own talent. I've been a fan of Unger's since "The Game" (1996). She's a talented and virtually unknown actress, whose character is out of place and frankly, unnecessary. In most cases, talent alone can't overcome weak material and a script that just doesn't know in which direction it wants to go. The characters are shallow and undeveloped. The whole concept of EVP is laughable to begin with and strictly for gullible people longing for their deceased loved ones. It stretches further the lines of believability when Anna's messages are meant to help Jonathan save lives.

This is supposed to be a horror movie. I'll admit that there were a few times I was startled but it was more of a "sudden loud noise" kind of startling rather than a "man, that was creepy" kind of startling. The only horror is that I watched this movie from beginning to end.

Please, don't waste your time with this movie, unless you're a dyed in the wool Michael Keaton fan. I'm sure you can find much better ways to spend 98 minutes of your life. Folks, I wish I had better news for ya - but I don't.

*1/2 out of *****