Jingle All the Way

GREEN’S “I’M GONNA DECK YOUR HALLS, BUB” REVIEW:

Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger) never keeps his promises to his young son Jamie (Jake Lloyd) and vows to make it up to him by promising to get him whatever he wants for Christmas, no matter what. The problem is that Jamie wants the most popular toy on the market: action figure/doll Turbo Man, which his wife Liz (Rita Wilson) told him to buy weeks ago. Of course he didn’t buy it and totally forgot about it. Now it’s the day before Christmas, and Turbo Man has been sold out for weeks. What is Howard going to do? He's up against time and crazy postman Myron Larabee (Sinbad), who is also trying to get his hands on a Turbo Man doll for his son for Christmas. While Howard is frantically searching for the doll, next door neighbor Ted (Phil Hartman) keeps hitting on Howard’s wife.

This goofy Christmas movie was another attempt for the Governator to mix family oriented fare in with his action movies. And it works reasonably well. The premise of the story is a well known reality by virtually every one of us who does last minute Christmas shopping and by those of us who promise the world to our kids and hope to heck we don’t disappoint them. The film also realistically expresses the greedy materialism that passes for the Christmas spirit these days.

This is not one of Aaaaaaahnold’s best roles but he’s awkward enough with it to make it funny. What makes this film, in my opinion, is the supporting cast. Phil Hartman steals every scene he’s in with his smarmy, sex-starved, perfect-hunk-of-man-meat, next door neighbor. Sinbad is good if not annoying as the equally obsessed postman turned rival toy hunter. Jim Belushi also does a great job with his slimy Mall Santa character. The black market warehouse scene with all of the Santas is perhaps the funniest in the movie. My parents, who watched this movie with me, liked Howard's repeat run-ins with the same police officer, played by Robert Conrad. Kid actor Jake Lloyd, who will go on to co-star in a teensy-weensy Star Wars prequel three years after the release of this movie, is totally replaceable by any semi-cute whiny child actor with a pulse.

The special features were well done and enhanced the movie for me just a bit. I also liked the fact that I have the option to view the theatrical release or the director’s extended version of the film all on the same DVD. Guess which version I chose?

All in all a decently funny movie with a reasonable (read: just long enough not to be tedious) run time of 93 minutes.

**¾ out of *****


SCRIBE'S WHAT WOULD ANAKIN SKYWALKER WANT WITH A TURBO MAN ACTION FIGURE? REVIEW:

When Green placed this on his list of holiday films for us to review, I naturally blanched. And by blanched I mean I threw up in my mouth a little bit, then contended with the runs for the rest of the week while cursing his name and swearing righteous vengeance.

So, I was pleasantly surprised that "Jingle All The Way" was pretty damn amusing. In fact, in some spots it was really funny. This is rarely the case when Chris Columbus (The "Home Alone" monstrosities) is involved in a film. Despite this, Randy Kornfield's screenplay works on a level rarely seen in Christmas films.

While on the surface this is yet another in a long line of saccharine sweet, cookie-cutter holiday films, there is a strong undercurrent of social commentary going on here. Christmas isn't presented as some wonderful holy day where people happen to buy each other gifts. It is shown as a disgusting consumer-based excursion into utter shamelessness. Hordes of wild-eyed parents storm into department stores heedless of the damage they're causing to the place and to others.

In the midst of this madness stumbles Howard Langston (Schwarzenegger with yet another WASPY name) whose busy schedule causes him to miss the important moments in his son's life. But this year he's going to show his son Jamie (Jake Lloyd, proving he did do something before "Phantom Menace") he's dependable by buying him the hottest toy of the moment, a Turbo Man action figure. Except, of course, he is trying to buy it on Christmas Eve: Cue wacky antics!

What makes this film funny it its performances. Schwarzenegger is good at comedy. Sinbad, with whom I have a love/hate relationship, is competent and funny as the crazy mailman (never saw that one comin'). But the real hilarity comes from the late and very missed Phil Hartman as Howard's way-too-available perfect catch divorced dad neighbor who's hot for his wife because she's the only woman he hasn't bagged in the neighborhood. When he relates the moment he knew he wanted her by recommending creamy Italian dressing for a dish she was making, it is one of the funniest deliveries in film history.

As mentioned earlier, this is a Chris Columbus joint, so the unavoidable descent into preposterousness occurs right on cue. The film's third act, the big parade scene, is filled with such ridiculousness that it nearly ruins the funny ridiculousness of the film's second act, such as Howard's trip to an underground department store Santa run black market operation and the fight scene that results.

Somewhere in the Sacred Texts of Hollywood, it is written: "If somebody doesn't learn a lesson at the end, it ain't a Christmas movie." Thus it should come as no surprise that Howard learns how to be a dependable dad and Jamie learns to stop being such a whiny little shit. But the lessons learned here serve the anti-consumerism plot rather handily. This film isn't so much a feel good comedy as a national criticism. This becomes evident when you pay close attention to the dialogue and realize it might not be for young children after all.

Still, as funny as the film is despite its uneven qualities, the DVD extra, "Turbo Man: Behind the Mask" is some of the funniest stuff I've ever seen.

**½ out of *****


***Bonus review***

This guy from IMDB really seemed to like it:

"I almost swallowed my Texas chili bowl I laughed so hard." 23 August 2006

Author: Don Kydick from Upper Ramsbottom

"Arnold at his very best, or should I say the Governor of California. Every Christmas since this masterpiece came out I've awaited it's return. When its on I put on my 'Jingle All The Way' clothes, complete with Cinncinnati bow-tie. I wear these to fully enjoy the experience of viewing 'Jingle'. At a mere 23 years of age I count myself so lucking I discovered it so soon in life. I see it as a mix between the Green Mile and Around the World in 40 Days. The main aspects of the film are comedy gold, a father desparetly trying to save the relationship with his son. Whilst his wife is under threat from a neighbour who'd like to have rumpy pumpy with her. Not since Mowser in Police Academy have I expressed such anger at a film character. I had to take my Ritalin to calm down in the end Ha ha. Anyone who hasn't seen this film should make it a must see. Its the 90s equivalent of the Godfather. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give it a well deserved 16 thumbs up, Chenoble style. Holla."