Scribe & Green on the BIG screen

There are far too many people out there writing “reviews of movie-films & articles about them with absolutely no clue what the hell they’re talking about." Here are 2 more of them! (Well, one of us knows what the h___ we're talking about, but we'll leave it up to you to decide who that is...) Ultimately, can two people as opposite as Scribe and Green agree on anything?? That's where the fun begins. Won't you join us? (Every now and then we'll add a guest review, just for kicks.)

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Jingle All the Way

GREEN’S “I’M GONNA DECK YOUR HALLS, BUB” REVIEW:

Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger) never keeps his promises to his young son Jamie (Jake Lloyd) and vows to make it up to him by promising to get him whatever he wants for Christmas, no matter what. The problem is that Jamie wants the most popular toy on the market: action figure/doll Turbo Man, which his wife Liz (Rita Wilson) told him to buy weeks ago. Of course he didn’t buy it and totally forgot about it. Now it’s the day before Christmas, and Turbo Man has been sold out for weeks. What is Howard going to do? He's up against time and crazy postman Myron Larabee (Sinbad), who is also trying to get his hands on a Turbo Man doll for his son for Christmas. While Howard is frantically searching for the doll, next door neighbor Ted (Phil Hartman) keeps hitting on Howard’s wife.

This goofy Christmas movie was another attempt for the Governator to mix family oriented fare in with his action movies. And it works reasonably well. The premise of the story is a well known reality by virtually every one of us who does last minute Christmas shopping and by those of us who promise the world to our kids and hope to heck we don’t disappoint them. The film also realistically expresses the greedy materialism that passes for the Christmas spirit these days.

This is not one of Aaaaaaahnold’s best roles but he’s awkward enough with it to make it funny. What makes this film, in my opinion, is the supporting cast. Phil Hartman steals every scene he’s in with his smarmy, sex-starved, perfect-hunk-of-man-meat, next door neighbor. Sinbad is good if not annoying as the equally obsessed postman turned rival toy hunter. Jim Belushi also does a great job with his slimy Mall Santa character. The black market warehouse scene with all of the Santas is perhaps the funniest in the movie. My parents, who watched this movie with me, liked Howard's repeat run-ins with the same police officer, played by Robert Conrad. Kid actor Jake Lloyd, who will go on to co-star in a teensy-weensy Star Wars prequel three years after the release of this movie, is totally replaceable by any semi-cute whiny child actor with a pulse.

The special features were well done and enhanced the movie for me just a bit. I also liked the fact that I have the option to view the theatrical release or the director’s extended version of the film all on the same DVD. Guess which version I chose?

All in all a decently funny movie with a reasonable (read: just long enough not to be tedious) run time of 93 minutes.

**¾ out of *****


SCRIBE'S WHAT WOULD ANAKIN SKYWALKER WANT WITH A TURBO MAN ACTION FIGURE? REVIEW:

When Green placed this on his list of holiday films for us to review, I naturally blanched. And by blanched I mean I threw up in my mouth a little bit, then contended with the runs for the rest of the week while cursing his name and swearing righteous vengeance.

So, I was pleasantly surprised that "Jingle All The Way" was pretty damn amusing. In fact, in some spots it was really funny. This is rarely the case when Chris Columbus (The "Home Alone" monstrosities) is involved in a film. Despite this, Randy Kornfield's screenplay works on a level rarely seen in Christmas films.

While on the surface this is yet another in a long line of saccharine sweet, cookie-cutter holiday films, there is a strong undercurrent of social commentary going on here. Christmas isn't presented as some wonderful holy day where people happen to buy each other gifts. It is shown as a disgusting consumer-based excursion into utter shamelessness. Hordes of wild-eyed parents storm into department stores heedless of the damage they're causing to the place and to others.

In the midst of this madness stumbles Howard Langston (Schwarzenegger with yet another WASPY name) whose busy schedule causes him to miss the important moments in his son's life. But this year he's going to show his son Jamie (Jake Lloyd, proving he did do something before "Phantom Menace") he's dependable by buying him the hottest toy of the moment, a Turbo Man action figure. Except, of course, he is trying to buy it on Christmas Eve: Cue wacky antics!

What makes this film funny it its performances. Schwarzenegger is good at comedy. Sinbad, with whom I have a love/hate relationship, is competent and funny as the crazy mailman (never saw that one comin'). But the real hilarity comes from the late and very missed Phil Hartman as Howard's way-too-available perfect catch divorced dad neighbor who's hot for his wife because she's the only woman he hasn't bagged in the neighborhood. When he relates the moment he knew he wanted her by recommending creamy Italian dressing for a dish she was making, it is one of the funniest deliveries in film history.

As mentioned earlier, this is a Chris Columbus joint, so the unavoidable descent into preposterousness occurs right on cue. The film's third act, the big parade scene, is filled with such ridiculousness that it nearly ruins the funny ridiculousness of the film's second act, such as Howard's trip to an underground department store Santa run black market operation and the fight scene that results.

Somewhere in the Sacred Texts of Hollywood, it is written: "If somebody doesn't learn a lesson at the end, it ain't a Christmas movie." Thus it should come as no surprise that Howard learns how to be a dependable dad and Jamie learns to stop being such a whiny little shit. But the lessons learned here serve the anti-consumerism plot rather handily. This film isn't so much a feel good comedy as a national criticism. This becomes evident when you pay close attention to the dialogue and realize it might not be for young children after all.

Still, as funny as the film is despite its uneven qualities, the DVD extra, "Turbo Man: Behind the Mask" is some of the funniest stuff I've ever seen.


**½ out of *****


***Bonus review***

This guy from IMDB really seemed to like it:

"I almost swallowed my Texas chili bowl I laughed so hard." 23 August 2006

Author: Don Kydick from Upper Ramsbottom

"Arnold at his very best, or should I say the Governor of California. Every Christmas since this masterpiece came out I've awaited it's return. When its on I put on my 'Jingle All The Way' clothes, complete with Cinncinnati bow-tie. I wear these to fully enjoy the experience of viewing 'Jingle'. At a mere 23 years of age I count myself so lucking I discovered it so soon in life. I see it as a mix between the Green Mile and Around the World in 40 Days. The main aspects of the film are comedy gold, a father desparetly trying to save the relationship with his son. Whilst his wife is under threat from a neighbour who'd like to have rumpy pumpy with her. Not since Mowser in Police Academy have I expressed such anger at a film character. I had to take my Ritalin to calm down in the end Ha ha. Anyone who hasn't seen this film should make it a must see. Its the 90s equivalent of the Godfather. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give it a well deserved 16 thumbs up, Chenoble style. Holla."

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Saturday, December 20, 2008

Scrooge

SCRIBE'S I THINK LIFE A PERPETUAL SPREE REVIEW:

This is my favorite version of Dickens' holiday classic. It used to air locally in Michigan annually on channel 7 Sunday mornings until the rise of cable TV reduced its frequency on regular TV.

Normally, musicals are a trip through the dank, murky recesses of Satan's rectum for me, but the songs actually flesh out Dickens rather skeletal novel with some truly enjoyable moments.

Unlike previous Scrooges such as Alistair Cooke, Albert Finney wasn't an old man when he starred as the redemptive old miser. This is a huge benefit to the production, as he gets to play himself as a young man with an amazing display of emotion.

Finney's Scrooge is a modern take on a post-modern character. Instead of cartoonish villainy and anger, he radiates an inner misery and turmoil that has even effected his walk, which is now a loping, stooped-over gait.

With the exception of George C Scott, Finney is perhaps the finest actor to take on the role of old Ebenezer and he excels at it. Every moment is a study in nuance, a performance worthy of noting in acting schools the world over. His enjoyment of the role and of the dialogue is infectious and, for the first and probably last time, he makes us kind of like Scrooge. This production triggers an instinct in the viewer to realize there is more under the surface of this horrible, grouchy old bastard.

The flashback scenes are not so much glimpses at Scrooge's "could have beens" as they are a study in how easily the world can destroy our dreams and leave us shadows of our former selves. This Scrooge isn't some remote bad guy, he is us fully realized and without filters. This makes the moment of his redemption much more believable and cathartic.

The production design is amazing, second only to the Scott version from the late Eighties. The 1970's color process lends an odd yet appropriate dated feeling to the film.

This is Scrooge the way Dickens probably intended it and quite possibly the best X-mas film ever made.


***** out of *****

GREEN'S "THAT'S THE NICEST THING THAT ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME" REVIEW:

Once in a while, Sir Scribe gets it just about right. There's not much I can disagree with on his assessment of this movie, for it is also my favorite film version of Charles Dickens classic novel.

I always assumed that Albert Finney was much older when this film was released, however he was only 34. That is not only a testament to the make-up artists but to the talent of Finney himself. As an added bonus, we get a wonderful turn by Sir Alec Guiness as Jacob Marley. The rest of the cast is also very good, if virtually unknown.

I love the scene at end of Scrooge's visit with the ghost of Christmas past where Scrooge is led to his small office in hell and Marley announces that he'll be the only one in hell to freeze. How fitting it is that the miserly Scrooge's house is plain and drab, without a touch of color, a reflection of the character's personality. Did you notice that once Scrooge discovers the magic and joy of Christmas, his posture straightens immeasurably from the crouched over, decrepit old miser that he was the day before?

That this is a musical doesn't bother me in the slightest. The music is excellent and the songs are tastefully done, enhancing the story that much more.

The moral of the story is simple yet quite profound. No one, not even the worst of us, is beyond redemption. The thing is we have to want to be redeemed. It's not just going to be handed to us without our asking for it.

Because it is such a true statement, the parting words of the ghost of Christmas present to Scrooge resonate with me, even though I don't often fulfill them: "There is never enough time to do or say all the things that we would wish. The thing is to try and do as much as you can in the time that you have." WOW.

It is true that there are more acclaimed versions of 'A Christmas Carol' than this but none quite captures the essence of the story than with this movie, at least in my opinion. I think that ol' Chuck Dickens himself would indeed be pleased with this version of his story.

The one thing I will differ with Scribe on is this: This may be the finest version of "A Christmas Carol" put to film, but it is not 'quite possibly the greatest Christmas movie ever made.' In my book, that honor will always rest with some little known Frank Capra-James Stewart-Donna Reed-Lionel Barrymore film. Though this movie probably rates a close second, third at worst.


***** out of *****

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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A Christmas Story

SCRIBE'S IGNORE THE MOTHER'S 1980'S HAIRSTYLE REVIEW:

“A Christmas Story” is one of those films that have an enormous regional appeal in the Midwest. I never knew that until two guys with a local radio show in the Detroit area, one from New Jersey, the other from Missouri, talked about it. The Jersey guy had never heard of it, much to the shock of every Michigander he met.

The film is a staple in Michigan thanks to its constant airings in the Eighties and early Nineties on local channels like WKBD-50. At one point it would air twice during the holiday season. Later, as cable became the norm, it started airing at midnight and even later/earlier. But cable picked it up and made it popular with a national audience.

The story concerns a young boy during the Golden Age of Radio era whose desire to get an air rifle for Christmas becomes an overriding obsession. What results are some rather charming and amusing moments seen through the eyes of a child.

This is a film that is a series of memorable moments more than a consistent narrative. In many ways, it’s the Midwestern equivalent of a Woody Allen reminiscence like “Radio Days,” where the adult narrator looks back fondly on a bygone era many of us never experienced.

The Midwestern Indiana setting helps establish the nostalgic mood in a movie with an obviously modest budget. Not much changes in the Heartland, making it a simple matter to place some classic cars and vintage clothing smack dab in the middle for the sake of authenticity.

One thing working in this film’s favor is the child performances. Nowadays, child actors seem incapable of capturing the feeling of the old days realistically, and I’m including teens in that category. The last time kids could pull off a vintage movie was in the Eighties, and these kids are great.

The best scene in the film involves an assembly line Santa whose haste to go home results in some truly funny moments. Next runner-up is little Ralphie's beatdown of the school bully, a beautifully rendered moment of violence that would never get past the cutting room floor in today's PC world.

Roger Ebert's review of the film features the following line, "In a poignant way, A Christmas Story records a world that no longer quite exists in America."

I wouldn't place the film in the pantheon of great classics like "It's A Wonderful Life" or the various Christmas Carol remakes, but it is a fun and endearing film that reminds us of a more innocent past when kids were still able to dream.


*** out of *****

GREEN'S "YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT, KID" REVIEW:

Imagine that a movie buff, such as myself, had never heard of-- let alone watched-- a twenty-five year old Christmas movie. Well you can stop imagining it, because it's true. Apparently this movie was never as popular here on the east coast as it was/is in scribe-o's part of the country.

The kid, Ralphie (Peter Billingsley) is obsessed with getting a BB gun rifle for Christmas, despite every adult telling him how dangerous they are, but he wants one anyway. Finally Christmas morning is here and as all of the presents are opened, Ralphie doesn't see the one present he really wants more than any other.

The most memorable scenes are (in order of their appearance in the film, as I recall them) the dream sequence where Ralphie, dressed all spiffy as a cowboy in white, shoots off the bad guys while his family cowers under the kitchen table; Ralphie's friend being triple dog dared to touch a frozen pole with his tongue and when he does gets his tongue stuck to the pole (of course his friends then leave him stuck to the pole, forcing the good ol' fire department to come and unstick the young lad); Ralphie being coerced by his mother into dressing up in the large pink bunny suit he got from his aunt for Christmas; the neighbor's dogs coming into the house, ruining dinner and eating the turkey; and the employees of the Chinese Restaurant trying to sing Christmas Carols to their lone guests on Christmas day.

Notice I said memorable and not funny. This movie is neither cute nor funny. It does nothing to stir any emotional response (who cares?). This movie is not memorable in any way and, in my opinion, can hardly be called a classic Christmas movie.

Generally, stories that rely entirely on flashbacks or narration are poorly conceived and the mark of a novice writer. True to form, the script is poor and the acting- across the board- is stiff and uninviting. The narrator, a voice over of an older Ralphie, is annoying.

I really can't see the appeal of this movie. It absolutely does nothing for me. Call it an east coast anti-bias, if you will.


*½ out of *****

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Monday, December 1, 2008

The Next Step

Like we attempted to do prior to the election with our Presidential themed reviews, we're going to try and do for Christmas.

That means we're going to try and review some Christmas-y themed movies this month, in the spirit of the season. How many we'll do I can't say, as it greatly depends on the selection available to us from our respective library collections.

Merry Christmas, all. Enjoy. ;>)

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