Up next_ Updated 10/4

In my attempt to gain revenge on the scribester for making me suffer through that lousy 'Nam list of movies, I gave him a choice of five Christian themed flicks from which to choose for our next review.

Scribe-o-rama reports that only "Jesus of Nazareth" was available at his local libbry, but was checked out until October 1st. So that's the next film we're gonna do here. And the reviews should be entertaining, to say the least....

but you'll have to wait until sometime next week before we'll have the review for you.


Sadly, greensie's gambit hath failed- I must confess that I love religious movies. LOL
Next time he should try chick flicks and Disney crap-a-thons.

He's lying. Don't believe a word of it. Especially when he realizes that this movie is 382 minutes long (that's 6 hours and 22 minutes for those of you playing the home game.) Revenge indeed!


Yeah. I just got it yesterday and realized how long it is. I also realized what movie this is. I remember the stories on this flick. This is that late Seventies box office flop that has been used for 3 decades as a recruitment tool in evangelical churches to get the kiddies keen on Jesus. I hope I can be as objective as green was in his review of Apocalypse Now.

Five Guilty Pleasures

When I challenged Green to post his five guilty MOVIE-RELATED pleasures (Had to emphasize that in case we learned things about our Christian mascot best left in the goody drawer) I had no idea how difficult this particular assignment would prove to be. Partly because I am able to find enjoyment in films others poo-poo and partly because, well speaking the plain truth, I am one shameless mofuka.

It isn't easy for someone like me to point out something about which I feel guilty, but I shall give it my best shot. (Green's cute little adorable listy-poo follows mine):

1. The Postman- Yes, I know this Kevin Costner vehicle runs the risk of jingoistic propaganda at a record every fifteen seconds. Yes, I know I have a personal beef with award-winning author David Brin, whose original novel received enormous critical acclaim. But dammit! This is a great movie. Costner is at his finest in a role that forces him to move back and forth between heroic and weasel-like with amusing regularity. The concept of a traveling con man finding an abandoned mail truck and instilling hope back into the people of a post-Apocalyptic wasteland as a living symbol of the old days of democracy is so satirically brilliant that only an idiot wouldn't find enjoyment in this one.

2. Maximum Overdrive- Emilioooooooooooooooo!!! What's not to love about Stevie King's directorial dee-butt? It has machines killing people, people dying, blood, a horrible AC/DC soundtrack and Emilio Mr. Mighty Ducks/Repo Man Billy the Freakin' Kid Estevez!!! Emilio is at his coolest as the parolee/gopher at the truck stop diner where a group of mismatched and pretty damn hilarious people take their final stand against the rebelling machines. Keep a special eye out for a cameo by King as a shit-kicker trying to get money from an ATM at the very beginning. This film deserves a second chance!

3. Fear City- Don't even bother telling me you've never heard of this one. It stars Tom Berenger and Billy Dee Williams as, respectively, a nudie bar owner and a cop. Apparently there's a serial killer wackin' strippers. At least, I think that's the plot. It's hard to remember when Rae Dawn Chong does her nude scene on stage and bends her ass over in the camera. Aside from that scene which I rewound several times as an impressionable teen, there are two other kick-ass things about this film: 1. Berenger's characters is a golden gloves champ so guess how he takes on the killer, and 2. Billy Dee Williams' vice cop, while hassling the innocent club owner, yells out, "I told you to keep the pussy off the table!" Lando!!! How could you???

4. Critters (all of 'em)- There's something about the concept of cute, cuddly aliens eating people that always makes me smile. I tried to write a story like that, but it never worked. Critters does...FOUR TIMES! Of the series, the second film is the best. But don't sell the one in New York short. All great horror film series wind up in Manhattan and the third installment of this series doesn't disappoint. In the 90's there was a disturbing trend of moving the action of a horror series into space. Unlike the others, Critters began in space, so it made perfect sense to end the series there. It might sound stupid, and it is, but the dialogue and situations in these films is among the best satirical writing in film history.

5. Infra-Man- Possibly the worst movie ever made, this surreal Chinese monster film can actually cause migraines if one tries to follow the plot too closely. This film proves my contention that only the Japanese should be allowed to make giant monster movies. Besides, it's obvious the Power Rangers took their cue from this (I hope intentionally) hilarious kung-fu action monster sci-fi mess.

And now I will uncage Green:

Will you now? Do tell. Do tell.

I will agree with the scribester that this was a harder assignment than I originally thought. My list won't be as juicy as his, because I didn't think he was going to write War and Peace after each item on his list. So then I had to go back and add my own novels after each entry on my list. Well, then without further ado:

1. Star Wars (all six episodes but especially the original three.): This may seem like a no-brainer but must be mentioned at the top of my list. I was an impressionable eight year old when the original Star Wars film came out and have watched these films over and over again straight through. You know it's bad when you have the films on VHS, then have to buy them again when the 1997 Special Editions came out. Then I had to buy the original trilogy when it came out on DVD in the boxed set. Then I bought each of the first three prequel episodes as they came out on DVD. To top it all off, last summer Lucas re-released the original trilogy on DVD as they came out in original theatrical release (1977, 1980 and 1983) and of course I had to have that, too. Not to mention all of the soundtrack CD's that I love to listen to in my car.

2. Monty Python films Holy Grail, Meaning of Life and to a lesser extent Life of Brian: I absolutely love British humor. Love it. At one point in my high school years I had memorized so many lines from The Holy Grail, and still use Pythonisms in my every day speech, sometimes without even realizing it.

3. Jimmy Stewart and Humphrey Bogart films: Up until recently, my exposure to Stewart's and Bogart's films was very limited. The more films of theirs that I watch the more respect I gain for their individual bodies of work. I'm surprised that they didn't star in any films together considering they were both dominating the Hollywood box office at the same time.

4. Mr. Holland's Opus: This to me is one of those feel good movies and one that I always get the weepy eyes at the end. I would love to be thought of and have the impact on a community that Richard Dreyfuss' character has over the thirty years time span that this film portrays.

5. Nightmare on Elm Street films: I'm generally not a horror film fan but something about the creepiness of Freddy Krueger captivates me. Aside from the second installment in the series (which was the worst film in the series in my opinion) and with the possible exception of Jason vs. Freddy, these films were excellently written and very suspenseful.

Apocalypse Now

Green's Review:

"I love the smell of napalm in the morning" -Lt. Col. Bill Kilgore

That quote represents the highlight of the movie for me. That and the fact that one of my favorite actors, Harrison Ford, was in the first 20 minutes of the film, brief as his part was.

This movie has done one thing for me: It has confirmed my lack of interest in this era in American history and films of this genre. You may consider this film an American classic but I sure don't. This has to be the slowest, dumbest, most idiotic waste of three hours I've ever had the non-pleasure of sleeping through.

After suffering through the first disc, the highlights of which I noted above, plus the brief gratuitous female breast scenes, I soundly slept through half of the second disc before calling it quits. No wonder why I procrastinated for as long as I did in viewing this film.

I'd almost rather be strapped to a dentist's chair having my teeth yanked out one by one without Novocaine than to suffer through this film again. And to think I put on the Redux version. Forty-nine additional minutes of agony. What kind of fool am I?

Don't misunderstand me, I think that the ensemble cast is filled with great actors whose overall work I like and respect. I mean how can you go wrong with such a cast as this? Marlon Brando, Martin Sheen, Harrison Ford, Robert Duvall, Laurence Fishburne, Dennis Hopper..... I'll tell you - put them in a movie with Vietnam as the setting and call it Apocalypse Now.

This movie gets five out of five z-z-z-z-z's from me and

* out of *****

Scribe's Review:

I don't know how anyone can fall asleep during one of the noisiest films ever made, but I digress. Apocalypse Now is only a film about Vietnam in that the war is used as a metaphor for the darkest places within the human soul.

Analytical people will view this movie as a loosely strung together collection of oddities that coalesce into a bizarre and surreal climax that isn't really a climax at all. To some extent, they are correct. But what they fail to see is the inner turmoil being portrayed on the screen.

From Martin Sheen's tortured assassin who can't do anything but kill to Marlon Brando's rebel colonel whose disgust with the new warfare causes him to become a crazed change agent, this film is about what is actually inside all of us. It provides an unflinching look at the heart at its darkest and it never lets up even for a moment.

What else can I say about this misunderstood masterpiece that has not already been said?

***** out of *****

FILLER

A word from the Good News Bible: Green is still very much alive and sexy! He’s been having a rough past few…life…so whilst we await his no doubt voluminous treatise on Apocalypse Now, I thought I’d regale you with a list of some of my favorite movie quotes. Sounds like fun, right?

See how many you can identify. It’s interactive ’n stuff!!!

1. “Dyin’ ain’t much of a livin’, boy.”
2. “I have come to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I’m all outta bubble gum.”
3. “Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island!?”
4. “So this is how democracy dies? With thunderous applause?”
5. “Normal is what everyone else is and you are not.”
6. “Karma is justice without the satisfaction.”
7. “Hell is the absence of reason.”
8. “I believe in a god that doesn’t need heavy financing.”
9. “Time is the fire in which we burn.”
10. “[God is] an absentee landlord!

Well, that pretty much exhausts my filler back stock. If green doesn’t post soon, I’ll have to resort to nekkid photos of senior citizens from my private stash.

Nobody wants that~